Do we text-message with our partners too often?

Arguably, most people will admit both that society’s technology usage has reached a concerning extent, and that they would benefit from their own usage being more sparing. We are realising that being “connected” with each other so frequently is neither desirable nor necessary for quality relations. This being the case, though, one may mistakenly assume that longer, meaningful conversations are the only communications that actually nurture the relationship. While this is certainly a domain which couples often need to improve, there is a benefit to the use of brief regular messaging.

Actualising relations is both an emotional (feeling) and a cognitive (thinking) process. Simply knowing that we are in a relationship and will be with our partner in the near future does not complete the feeling of comfort. This is especially the case in relationships that have been harmed by issues of trust, or when one or more partners have experienced relational trauma and struggle to trust others. If our emotions do not signal a safe feeling of connectedness, it can unknowingly influence our thinking and actions in ways that challenge the relationship. We do not experience that safety based on one event or interaction that we interpret as significant; rather, we do so based on our overall impression of the relationship. Hence, it is not simply the moments in which our partners make major gestures of care that indicate the strength of our relations — not least of all because those moments may be less frequent. The major sacrifices, holidays, family events, births, marriages, dates, important moments of growth, time spent in intimacy, and more are all important. Those daily interactions such as the text messages letting each other know that we are thinking of and love each other may seem insignificant by comparison, but when combined in a healthy relationship, they create a positive impression of it that each partner feels. Regardless of how resilient we are, we all have a basic need for emotional safety from another person, and small but intentional and consistent gestures of care usually characterise a more healthy relationship than sporadic or occasional major events. Even if we could benefit from more time spent away from technology, this type of usage is definitely a strength.

It is often the little nuances in our relationship that are both special and forgotten. Thankfully, they have great power to reinvigorate our relationships with beautiful simplicity. If you find yourself struggling to experience the warmth in your relationship that once was, the team at Aly’s Place are here to help. We provide a safe and emotionally enriching environment to help you and your partner re-establish your bond and create the safety and joy that makes relationships prosper.