Five ways to keep calm and stop an argument with your partner
- 22 hours ago
- 4 min read
An adage states that all couples argue, but this subtly implies that we have to do so.
We suggest an alternative: all couples disagree. Disagreement is a necessary and
healthy part of being human. It is a learning and bonding opportunity. But nobody
wants to have an argument, because it feels horrible while rarely if ever actually
solving the problem that caused it. Be that as it may, arguing is indeed something
that we inevitably encounter, but thankfully, there are ways to settle the feelings of
anger, frustration, and anxiety before they escalate to a quarrel, so that both of you
can actually ask for what you need from each other. In this article, we shall introduce
five techniques for preventing an argument with your partner.
Recognise the signs
When something bothers us, we normally feel a signal. It might be a fleeting thought
such as “this doesn’t seem right”, slight nervousness, or a minor irritation, through to
a “sinking” feeling or a more alarming thought such as “this is the worst day ever”,
through to chest tightness or a rapid breathing or heart rate when something feels
threatening or enraging. When you feel this, your mind is entering “survival mode”:
it has decided that there is a threat somewhere, will be alert, and is ready to interpret
even the smallest disagreement as danger to get you to flee. We sometimes
exaggerate, to state the least!
To take control of this situation, you first need to recognise these signs and what they
mean. When you next encounter a conflict, take notice of what you feel, and be ready
to notice those same feelings when you next encounter one. Once you have
recognised them, you can start to take action.
Take time to calm
When it is so preoccupied with protecting you, your mind will have difficulty
interpreting reason. Trying to solve a problem with your partner when you are
agitated is unlikely to work. When the circumstances allow it, the first person to
notice that either they or the other are upset should encourage the both of you to take
time away from each other. The signal can be as simple as: “I can tell we’re both
getting upset. Let’s step away, and we can discuss this when we’re both calmer.”
Reassuring each other that you will both return is imperative, as without that, your
mind will be constantly distracted by the “unfinished business”. The optimal time to
spend away from each other is approximately 20 minutes, as this is often how long it
takes for the brain’s state of upset to subside. In that time, try to focus on an activity
that distracts you from thinking about the disagreement and helps you calm — this
could be a breathing exercise, meditation, jogging, reading, listening to music,
drawing, spending time with the family pet, or otherwise.
Discuss feelings and needs
When you and your partner return, resist the temptation to tell them how upset they
made you and how it was all their fault! Regardless of who did or did not cause the
problem, even presenting your grievance as being about the other person will make
them unconsciously feel threatened, which will subsequently affect how they enter
the interaction, how willing they will be to work with you to solve the problem, and
how secure they will feel — and none of this will help.
Instead, each of you take turns expressing how you felt in the conflict and why. Try to
do this without referring to what the other person did, instead emphasising how you
felt and why. Saying “you upset me when you leave the house without telling me
where you’re going” will likely upset your partner, who may have been unaware that
what they were doing would impact you so. They may feel threatened and become
defensive, which will likely have the same effect on you — often without either of you
knowing what is happening until it escalates to an argument. Instead, try a softer
approach: “I feel scared when I don’t know where you are, because I need to know
that you’re safe.”
As each person is expressing themselves, the other responds with empathy, meaning
they demonstrate recognition of how the person is feeling. For example, to the above
concern, the partner may respond: “I can see how frightened it made you when you
weren’t sure where I was.” It is imperative that both partners have the opportunity to
express themselves and show the other empathy when they are communicating.
Doing this actually helps both people to remain calm and think clearly.
Discuss a resolution
As simple as it may seem, often we neglect to meet our own and other people’s needs
because it is easy to forget them and can even be difficult to identify them —
especially the abstract ones such as emotional needs. The remedy is to be able to ask
your partner to help you meet them. This works most effectively when it is practical
and specific. For example, it could be as simple as “could you please ensure that you
always tell me where you’re going when you leave the house? I need to know that
you’re safe and will be back soon”. Again, ensure that both partners have the
opportunity to do this.
End positively
After you have arrived at a resolution, repair your bond by offering each other loving
gestures. Receiving love from each other reminds each of you that a minor conflict
does not have to mean the end of the relationship — which our brain can easily
believe if we leave the situation having only discussed the negative. It can be a
gesture such as: “I’m glad we solved that. We always work well together to solve our
problems. I love you.”
Sometimes, relationships need some help
What we have introduced today is not esoteric, but it can take some adjustment to
communicate this way if you are not accustomed to it. If conflicts are harming your
relationship, do not be afraid to ask for help. You can learn healthy relational skills,
even later in life, and our team of relationship counsellors teach practical approaches
to managing your relationship concerns.
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