The Hidden Cost of Affairs

Affairs don’t just break trust - they come with a price tag. And it’s higher than most people imagine.

• A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that infidelity is one of the top predictors of divorce — and divorce itself costs Australians, on average, $14,000–$20,000 in legal fees alone (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 2022).

• Emotional costs are harder to measure, but they’re immense. Infidelity is linked to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and PTSD symptoms in the betrayed partner (American Psychological Association, 2018).

• Families feel it too: research shows children exposed to high-conflict breakups or affairs experience long-term impacts on emotional security and attachment (Journal of Family Psychology, 2019).

And here’s the paradox: the couples who survive an affair also invest the most - in therapy, in raw honesty, in rebuilding from the ground up.

Those couples sometimes create a stronger, more intentional relationship than the one that was broken.

So when people ask me, “Is an affair worth it?”, my answer is simple: The cost is almost always higher than you think.

Reflection Question:

What do you think: Is the emotional cost of an affair greater than the financial one?

Why “Sex” Is a Scary Word — Even for Couples Counsellors

I remember asking a family therapist once - someone who works with couples as part of their broader practice - whether she talked about sex with her couples.

Her answer was:

“My couples have bigger issues to worry about.”

It was clear the topic made her slightly uncomfortable. And I get it. Before I trained as a sex therapist and studied sexual and reproductive health, I didn’t find it easy to bring up sex in the therapy room either.

In those early days, saying certain words out loud was hard. Penetration. Masturbation. Vagina. Penis. When I did, my voice didn't sound confident, giving away my discomfort to the clients. It took time, practice, and conscious effort to say those words without flinching — to make it feel as natural as talking about communication, trust, or conflict.

Why It’s Hard for Practitioners Too

We’re not blank slates. Every practitioner has their own history, beliefs, and emotions about sex - shaped by family, culture, religion, education, and personal experience.

In my own Russian-Armenian family, sex was never openly discussed. I knew, through observation and a few clues, that my mother and grandmother both had a healthy interest in sex. I even discovered erotic books tucked away on my grandmother’s shelf. But no one ever talked to me about it.

My mother’s version of “the talk” was to hand me a couple of brightly coloured books on puberty and genital development when I was 11. The books were illuminating, intriguing - and scary. That was the extent of my sex education at home. I suspect her reasoning was similar to many parents: that talking about sex might somehow encourage more sexual activity. And they certainly were not ready for that.

The Research Says Otherwise

This fear - that discussing sex will “put ideas in someone’s head” - is common, but decades of research show the opposite. A 30-year review published in JAMA Pediatrics found that when parents talk frequently and openly with adolescents about sexual health, teens are more likely to delay sexual activity, use contraception, and make safer choices, resulting in fewer STIs and unintended pregnancies (Widman et al., 2016).

Similarly, a UNESCO review of 87 international studies concluded that comprehensive sexuality education does not increase sexual activity among adolescents. Instead, it delays initiation, reduces the number of sexual partners, and improves contraceptive use (UNESCO, 2018).

In other words: openness protects. Silence doesn’t.

What I See in the Therapy Room

Even now, in what we believe to be less conservative and more sexually progressive times, I meet clients who struggle to talk about sex - not just with me, but with each other. Regardless of whether you are 20-something or 60-something, it is still hard for many.

And yet, I haven’t met a couple for whom sexual intimacy wasn’t an important part of their relationship. Sex is deeply woven into trust, connection, self-esteem, identity, and love. Avoiding it doesn’t make the issues go away; it just allows them to pile up quietly, in a box no one dares to open.

How Couples Can Practise Talking About Sex

Normalising sexual conversations takes practice — and sometimes it starts with the simplest thing: saying the words.

The brilliant Emily Nagoski, in her work on sexual wellbeing, suggests an exercise I often use with clients:

• Pick the words — vagina, vulva, penis, clitoris, masturbation, orgasm.

• Say them out loud — not in a whisper, but in your natural speaking voice.

• Say them with different tones — casually, with delight (as if greeting an old friend you haven’t seen in ages), and with pride (as if talking about something you value).

• Repeat until the awkwardness fades — the goal is to strip away the “charge” so they become everyday language.

Conversation Starters for Partners

Try these prompts to ease into more open conversations:

• “What’s one thing you wish I knew about your desires?”

• “What’s a sexual memory of ours that still makes you smile?”

• “Is there something you’ve never told me that you’d like to try?”

• “How do you feel about our sexual connection right now?”

• “When do you feel most desired by me?”

These don’t need to lead to immediate changes in the bedroom - sometimes the win is being able to say out loud what you have been thinking of, or to feel that your partner cares about your needs.

The Moral of the Story

We need to normalise conversations about sex - in therapy rooms, in relationships, and in families. For practitioners, that means doing our own work: becoming comfortable with the language, learning to ask clear, non-judgmental questions, and modelling openness.

Because the more we avoid it, the heavier the silence becomes. And the more we practise talking about it, the easier it gets to own our sexuality and intimacy - instead of hiding them away and hoping the problems inside that box will somehow resolve themselves.

Reflection Question:

When was the last time you talked about sex openly - with your partner, your client, or your child? What made it easier, or harder?

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We provide professional, modern and caring services to individuals and couples who are looking to improve their sexual well-being. Check out Peninsula Sexology

Unmasking Sexuality and Breaking Down Cultural Barriers (Part 2)

Welcome back to Part 2 of my captivating interview with Nadia Hughes, where we continue our deep dive into intriguing topics surrounding sex and relationships. If you haven't read Part 1, I recommend checking it out to fully appreciate the value-packed insights we've uncovered. In this part, we take our conversation to the next level, focusing on diversity in relationships, boundaries, and understanding infidelity.

Intercultural Dynamics in Relationships

In intercultural relationships, there's a notable phenomenon where people tend to open up more when conversing with someone from a different cultural background than those within their circle. This can be attributed to a sense of curiosity, a desire to help, and a feeling of being the "hero" when engaging with someone perceived as new or different.

However, this initial openness can lead to a loss-loss situation in relationships when partners start viewing each other as adversaries. Engaging in conflicts over resources like money or priorities such as children versus employment tends to drive partners apart, ultimately affecting everyone involved, including children.

Unveiling the Layers of Sexual Discourse

Creating a comfortable and open space for individuals to share their intimate experiences is essential. Many men are willing to talk about their sexuality but often need the opportunity and encouragement to do so, as observed in counselling sessions. Boundaries and consent are crucial, ensuring that sharing intimate details is consensual and respectful. Additionally, the concept of weaponised sexuality arises when sexuality is used as a tool, much like money or other resources, to control or manipulate situations in relationships.

Navigating Intimacy in Relationships

In relationships, the issue of sexual withholding is common and not limited to Australia. It often stems from imbalances in power dynamics, where one partner may use sex to regain control when they feel disadvantaged. This phenomenon is universal and can happen anywhere.

Couples frequently face differences in sexual desires, and there's no one-size-fits-all norm. The key is open communication and compromise. Instead of saying no, partners are encouraged to discuss their desires and find a middle ground, whether through cuddling, intimate gestures, or scheduling more intimate moments within a reasonable timeframe. The goal is to maintain communication and avoid creating emotional distance between partners.

Different Perspectives on Sex and Relationships

In understanding sex and relationships, viewing them as exchanges is essential, similar to how money facilitates transactions. Sex is a means of communication and gratification, often driven by the desire for gratitude and connection. Effective communication and mutual understanding are vital in fulfilling experiences, just as in conversations. It's important to acknowledge that diverse sexual menus and open dialogues can enhance relationships, and benchmarks for sexual satisfaction may differ among couples, regardless of their sexual orientation.

The Complex Reality of Infidelity

Infidelity, a complex reality, brings immense pain for two reasons. Firstly, it's a breach of trust, breaking the unwritten or written relationship contract, and shattering emotional safety. Secondly, it triggers a sense of inadequacy, making individuals question their desirability.

Handling infidelity necessitates open communication within couples. While fulfilling all desires might be challenging, partners should consult and negotiate together to prioritise psychological safety. Some may compromise or find alternative ways to explore desires while preserving their relationships.

This captivating two-part interview with Nadia Hughes delves into the intricate world of sex and relationships with a well-informed perspective. Our conversation regarding sex therapy and couples therapy provides valuable insights into the importance of addressing sexual issues openly within relationships. Furthermore, focusing on cultural perspectives, intercultural dynamics, and the complexities of infidelity underscores the need for communication and understanding in maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships. This resource is valuable for anyone seeking to understand and improve their relationships in a diverse and ever-evolving world.

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