Five ways to keep calm and stop an argument with your partner

An adage states that all couples argue, but this subtly implies that we have to do so.

We suggest an alternative: all couples disagree. Disagreement is a necessary and

healthy part of being human. It is a learning and bonding opportunity. But nobody

wants to have an argument, because it feels horrible while rarely if ever actually

solving the problem that caused it. Be that as it may, arguing is indeed something

that we inevitably encounter, but thankfully, there are ways to settle the feelings of

anger, frustration, and anxiety before they escalate to a quarrel, so that both of you

can actually ask for what you need from each other. In this article, we shall introduce

five techniques for preventing an argument with your partner.

1. Recognise the signs

When something bothers us, we normally feel a signal. It might be a fleeting thought

such as “this doesn’t seem right”, slight nervousness, or a minor irritation, through to

a “sinking” feeling or a more alarming thought such as “this is the worst day ever”,

through to chest tightness or a rapid breathing or heart rate when something feels

threatening or enraging. When you feel this, your mind is entering “survival mode”:

it has decided that there is a threat somewhere, will be alert, and is ready to interpret

even the smallest disagreement as danger to get you to flee. We sometimes

exaggerate, to state the least!

To take control of this situation, you first need to recognise these signs and what they

mean. When you next encounter a conflict, take notice of what you feel, and be ready

to notice those same feelings when you next encounter one. Once you have

recognised them, you can start to take action.

2. Take time to calm

When it is so preoccupied with protecting you, your mind will have difficulty

interpreting reason. Trying to solve a problem with your partner when you are

agitated is unlikely to work. When the circumstances allow it, the first person to

notice that either they or the other are upset should encourage the both of you to take

time away from each other. The signal can be as simple as: “I can tell we’re both

getting upset. Let’s step away, and we can discuss this when we’re both calmer.”

Reassuring each other that you will both return is imperative, as without that, your

mind will be constantly distracted by the “unfinished business”. The optimal time to

spend away from each other is approximately 20 minutes, as this is often how long it

takes for the brain’s state of upset to subside. In that time, try to focus on an activity

that distracts you from thinking about the disagreement and helps you calm — this

could be a breathing exercise, meditation, jogging, reading, listening to music,

drawing, spending time with the family pet, or otherwise.

3. Discuss feelings and needs

When you and your partner return, resist the temptation to tell them how upset they

made you and how it was all their fault! Regardless of who did or did not cause the

problem, even presenting your grievance as being about the other person will make

them unconsciously feel threatened, which will subsequently affect how they enter

the interaction, how willing they will be to work with you to solve the problem, and

how secure they will feel — and none of this will help.

Instead, each of you take turns expressing how you felt in the conflict and why. Try to

do this without referring to what the other person did, instead emphasising how you

felt and why. Saying “you upset me when you leave the house without telling me

where you’re going” will likely upset your partner, who may have been unaware that

what they were doing would impact you so. They may feel threatened and become

defensive, which will likely have the same effect on you — often without either of you

knowing what is happening until it escalates to an argument. Instead, try a softer

approach: “I feel scared when I don’t know where you are, because I need to know

that you’re safe.”

As each person is expressing themselves, the other responds with empathy, meaning

they demonstrate recognition of how the person is feeling. For example, to the above

concern, the partner may respond: “I can see how frightened it made you when you

weren’t sure where I was.” It is imperative that both partners have the opportunity to

express themselves and show the other empathy when they are communicating.

Doing this actually helps both people to remain calm and think clearly.

4. Discuss a resolution

As simple as it may seem, often we neglect to meet our own and other people’s needs

because it is easy to forget them and can even be difficult to identify them —

especially the abstract ones such as emotional needs. The remedy is to be able to ask

your partner to help you meet them. This works most effectively when it is practical

and specific. For example, it could be as simple as “could you please ensure that you

always tell me where you’re going when you leave the house? I need to know that

you’re safe and will be back soon”. Again, ensure that both partners have the

opportunity to do this.

5. End positively

After you have arrived at a resolution, repair your bond by offering each other loving

gestures. Receiving love from each other reminds each of you that a minor conflict

does not have to mean the end of the relationship — which our brain can easily

believe if we leave the situation having only discussed the negative. It can be a

gesture such as: “I’m glad we solved that. We always work well together to solve our

problems. I love you.”

Sometimes, relationships need some help

What we have introduced today is not esoteric, but it can take some adjustment to

communicate this way if you are not accustomed to it. If conflicts are harming your

relationship, do not be afraid to ask for help. You can learn healthy relational skills,

even later in life, and our team of relationship counsellors teach practical approaches

to managing your relationship concerns.

What makes a healthy relationship?

Does a healthy relationship simply “feel right”? We often take for granted that it

needs certain qualities, until we find ourselves in the midst of a problem and struggle

to identify what exactly we need to solve it. While a good relationship will “feel right”,

it will not be the one that feels “easiest”, because making it healthy requires effort.

But the effort does not have to feel “bad” as such, because the right relationship will

feel worth working for, and moreover, it reveals that making it healthy can be done

with actions that we can each choose. In this article, we will introduce the major

components of healthy relationships.

Commitment

Commitment means being willing to maintain the relationship in the long term,

within its agreed boundaries. It also means persevering to heal it if you encounter a

challenge (unless of course either partner is not safe). A quality relationship is

fulfilling to the extent that the effort needed to commit in difficult times feels

worthwhile given what each of you reap from those efforts. The ways that you enact

the other qualities of a healthy relationship can all demonstrate to your partner that

you are truly committed.

Trust

Trust means having the confidence that your partner will enact what they have

promised and honour your needs and safety. Most of the time, we implicitly know

that we can trust our partners, but a number of circumstances may challenge trust,

and it can be difficult to restore it once broken. One is when our partner breaches our

trust via, for example, infidelity or lying about a major issue, and another is when

either partner may have difficulties trusting the other after being hurt in previous

relationships. In any case, the most effective means of developing or repairing trust is

to demonstrate it in actions. For example, if a relationship has been threatened by

one partner’s gambling, they may demonstrate that they can be trusted not to gamble

by showing their partner the joint bank account statements regularly and reporting

daily on how they are managing.

Safety

Safety means being assured that our partner will not harm us and will help us meet

our basic relational needs. It is not only the absence of abuse. We all have

psychological needs that can be difficult to identify if we have not explored them

previously, but we instinctively feel when they are threatened. Some major facets of

feeling safe are:

• Being accepted for who we are by our partner, rather than them trying to

• make us in to an ideal;

• Knowing that our partner notices us, understands us, tends to our

• preferences, wants us, and shares fondness with us;

• Being able to spend adequate quality time with our partner;

• Being able to communicate in a way that is honest but respectful;

• Respecting boundaries.

Mutual goals, values, and meaning

Partners obviously do not need to be identical in every conceivable respect, but

certain values or goals need to be agreed for the relationship to work. Do you want to

marry traditionally, live together or separately, have children, have specified roles, or

practice traditions such as religions? Do you have specific endeavours that each of

you want to pursue together? Do you have particular romantic or sexual preferences?

The preferences you have and whether you are willing to forego them under any

circumstances are largely your choice. But a great number of dating endeavours and

relationships fail when people do not recognise these factors. Take the time to

consider what your needs and goals are, and be willing to have that conversation with

a prospective partner.

Communication

Communication is at the centre of every relationship of every type. It means more

than being able to understand each other in a literal sense; it means that each person

readily expresses when something concerns them or they need something. Much of

the conflict in relationships happens because people assume they know their

partner’s intentions or are not aware of how their partner is interpreting their

actions, and many would assume that the type of communication necessary to avoid

these misunderstandings is so simple as to be trivial. But the simplest solution is

sometimes the one that works.

Consider this example: you are playing a board game with your partner. When their

turn arrives, they take a piece that you had been hoping to use, and in doing so gains

a great advantage over you. You scoff at them humorously and say: “That was such a

dirty move!” Your partner, however, only took the piece because it would allow them

to prolong the game, which they were enjoying. They try to tell you that this was their

only intention, because they do not want you to feel hurt, but you feel they are

becoming defensive and spiteful. It results in an argument.

This type of situation can be avoided by avoiding assumptions. When your partner

tries to justify themselves, learn to understand the cues. Is it like them to be spiteful

in this situation? Might they be afraid that you are genuinely hurt? If unsure, ask

them! It is not “too obvious”, and by asking questions, arguments may not even have

a chance to happen.

Growth

A person should not rely on their partner to do what they can do for themselves, but

there is much we can not do for ourselves. We have to socialise to grow. In a healthy

relationship, your partner is not simply “nice” to you. They acknowledge your

strengths and admire your virtues, but also sensitively encourage you to work on

your flaws. Their feedback to you reveals insight in to yourself that you could never

gain alone. They want you to be successful both as their partner, and in your

aspirations.

Romance

This is one of the main factors that separates an intimate relationship from a strong

friendship. We are a romantic species; we crave and cherish the joy and warmth that

comes with it. Do you and your partner know each other’s romantic needs and

preferences? Even if you think you do, it never hurts to have a conversation about it

— and moreover, it strengthens your bond by showing each other how much you

care.

Individuation

Individuation means that each partner has a complete sense of their own identity,

beliefs, and needs, rather than being an extension of the other. It may seem

contradictory, but although being coupled literally means foregoing being alone for

being together, trying to be your partner and tend to their every preference will

eventually create overwhelming resentment. We all have an implicit need to have our

own identity, and even if we think we are choosing to stifle that, our mind will know

something is missing and warn us. This is why it is so important to know your needs

and values before entering a relationship — it allows you to decide if a prospective

partner’s needs are in harmony or conflict with your own.

Shared responsibility

Whenever something bad happens, it is easy to blame the other person, because

accepting fault is actually quite uncomfortable. But in reality, it is often all of us

involved in a conflict who contribute in some way, often unintentionally. Sharing

responsibility does not mean having to sacrifice our own needs and just admit that

the other person was “right”. It means being willing to accept that we can all make

mistakes, committing to acting differently next time, and not making a goal of trying

to prove the other person wrong with every argument. The other person may have

initiated the conflict, but “proving” that will not stop it from happening again. Our

brains do not think logically when they are emotional; we need to calm them. When

both people actively contribute and take responsibility, it does not feel “one-sided”; it

is a constant exchange of fondness and care done wilfully.

Sometimes, relationships need some help

Knowing our own needs is not always easy, but we can become well-acquainted with

practice.. If you need help identifying them, do not be afraid to ask for it. You can

learn healthy relational skills, even later in life, and our team of relationship

counsellors teach practical approaches to managing your relationship needs.

EMDR Therapy: Helping the Brain Let Go

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a gentle, highly effective therapy that helps people heal from distressing or overwhelming experiences, without needing to retell every detail. EMDR is evidence-based, safe, and adaptable for people who prefer not to talk in detail about what happened.

What Is EMDR Therapy?

Many emotional reactions — anxiety, triggers, self-doubt, or feeling “stuck", are actually the result of the brain holding onto certain memories in a raw, unprocessed way. EMDR helps your brain finish the natural healing process so those experiences stop affecting you in the present.

During EMDR, you're guided to notice a memory, emotion, or body sensation while using gentle left-right stimulation through eye movements, tapping, or tones. This helps the brain reorganise the experience so it feels calmer, more distant, and no longer overwhelming.

EMDR can help individuals with:

• Trauma, PTSD, and painful memories

• Anxiety, panic, or overwhelm

• Relationship and attachment triggers

• Shame, self-esteem, and negative beliefs

• Grief, loss, and big life transitions

Most clients notice:

• A sense of relief

• Less reactivity to triggers

• More confidence and grounding

• Feeling emotionally lighter and more in control

EMDR for Couples, used within the Gottman Method framework can accelerate healing for both individuals and the relationship. 

EMDR can help couples with:

• Repeating arguments

• Trust or safety wounds

• Jealousy or insecurity

• Feeling emotionally flooded or shut down

• Attachment injuries

• Past relationship trauma affecting the current relationship

Most couples notice:

• Less escalation

• More patience and empathy

• A stronger sense of connection

• The ability to truly hear each other again

Our Counsellor Mindy, with over 20 years counselling experience, offers EMDR therapy for individuals and couples. To learn more, download our flyer below.

EMDR ALYS Flyer.pdf

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