Meet Dylan Evans: Therapist, Coffee Enthusiast & Animal Lover

In this conversation, Dylan Evans shares what inspired him to become a therapist, the experiences that shaped his approach to counselling, and what he finds most rewarding about supporting people through change. From his early experiences seeking support himself to working with people from a wide range of cultures, ages and backgrounds, Dylan reflects on the importance of connection, resilience and having someone in your corner. We also get to know the person behind the therapist, including his love of coffee, gaming and spending time with his wife, dog and two cats.

What experiences in your life influenced you to be a therapist?

When I was at school, I struggled to find mental health support that felt right for me. That experience motivated me to want to support others and also made me realise how important it is to have more diversity in the profession, including male therapists.

What do you enjoy most about being a therapist?

Having the opportunity to witness people grow, develop, and make meaningful changes through the therapeutic process. I also feel very fortunate to meet and work with people from a wide range of cultures, ages, and backgrounds, and to hear their individual stories and perspectives.

In what settings have you worked?

I have worked as a school counsellor, an employee assistance program (E.A.P.) counsellor, and in private practice. Working in E.A.P. was especially diverse in the clients and impact involved, so it was an excellent learning experience. It also taught me to work to a more solution-focused style due to the short amount of time we had together.

What fascinates you most about human functioning?

Resilience and change. I find it interesting how people can go through similar experiences but respond in very different ways. I’m also fascinated by how people can adapt, grow and develop new ways of understanding themselves, even after difficult experiences.

What are your areas of interest as a therapist?

I work with a broad range of concerns, but I have particular interests in A.D.H.D., self-compassion, mindfulness, and couples therapy.

What is the most challenging aspect of being a therapist?

One of the most challenging aspects of being a therapist is sitting alongside people through very painful experiences, particularly grief and loss. It can be emotionally impactful work, so I place a strong emphasis on self-awareness and reflection.

Can you share any particularly positive moments which you have experienced in your career?

One client stands out who initially felt very lost and would spend a lot of the session in tears. Over time, I saw them become much more confident and develop a stronger sense of who they were. Seeing that change was really rewarding.

How would you describe your personal values and vision for life?

I value honesty, determination, self-reliance and compassion. I try to approach life with openness and a willingness to keep learning and growing, and these values also shape the way I work as a therapist.

What do you personally do for enjoyment?

I’m a bit of a coffee enthusiast! I also enjoy video games and spending time with my wife, our dog, and two cats.

Not believing abuse victims has much to do with our own fears

“But why didn’t you speak up?”

Whether we know it or not, admitting that misfortune can befall any one of us is one

of the most painful acts. We have developed quite the knack for distracting ourselves

from the dangers of life so as to avoid this admission. As relationship therapists, we

often confront one of these dangers: relational abuse, including sexual abuse and

other forms of domestic violence. In this article, we will be discussing how a specific

cultural trope can actually act as a shield against the discomforts of life: the tendency

of some to, when told about revelations of abuse, immediately doubt the victim and

retort that “if the claims were true, they would have said something sooner”. This

cliché is destructive both to the victim and on a larger scale when normalised. Before

we explain how this is a self-pacifying tendency, let us first actually answer the

question.

Simply making an act illegal does not prevent it. People make choices when they

believe the benefits of them outweigh the risks. Much of how we make this

judgement depends on what we have learned, in various complex ways, from life

experience. To over-simplify the issue, for illegality to deter an abuser, they would

have to believe that they are likely to be caught, and the consequences are likely to be

sufficiently negative to negate any possible “benefit” of abusing their partner. For

those consequences to happen, those responsible for enforcing the law have to act —

and even in places where abusive acts are illegal, for various reasons this does not

always happen. The process of enacting those consequences can also be rather

complex; think of publicised cases in which people avoided consequences not

because the authorities were convinced that they did no wrong, but because of a

technicality in how the matter was conducted.

As a victim, having to undergo that process, recounting details you would rather

forget, relentlessly answering questions and submitting to other procedures, while

people deliberately attempt to mislabel you as a liar, has a real effect on your brain’s

state. You can literally only attend to and process a limited amount of information

before you start to become compromised. This is not a choice. Before long, it may

well make it difficult for you to remember details or retell your story faithfully, which

is the perfect opportunity for doubters to confirm their belief that you were indeed

lying and make it all the more difficult for you to achieve justice. The same

difficulties can appear in conducting your personal and professional life, and affect

your sleep and appetite, and all of these issues can worsen each other cyclically.

Then there are the real social consequences of being a victim. In some communities,

people get blamed for being victims, usually because admitting that the abuse

happened would also mean admitting that the particular community allowed it to

happen. People are punished or expelled from their families — which for many,

especially minors, means being homeless. Even if a minor is placed in state care,

whether their experiences there are any less abusive is a game of chance. When you

are aware of these realities, you may well decide that the aftermath of the abuse is the

least of your problems.

Do false accusations of abuse happen? Of course they do. But arguing with such

certainty that accusations are true or false based only on what we find in the media or

on the Internet is fallacious. That information has been transmitted at least once

between people. Mistakes happen. People make interpretations rather than viewing

the events factually. People make assumptions. What makes any person conclude

here that they know the facts of the case?

The answer is that it creates a sense of (albeit false) security. We all know that life is a

dangerous and unpredictable event. Our minds hate unpredictability and insecurity,

so to compensate, we invent ideas to falsely reassure ourselves that the world is

actually safe and predictable. When we believe a “truth” based on a mere dearth of

evidence, we are telling ourselves a comforting lie: “I know what’s real and what isn’t.

I won’t be fooled. I’m safe”. When we deny others’ bad experiences, we are telling

ourselves another comforting lie: “these horrible events don’t actually happen. I’ll be

safe. This is just another exaggeration.” Often, we do this because we feel the need to

deny our own bad experiences with a third comforting lie: “what happened to me was

justified; this world wouldn’t be so evil as to do it to me if it wasn’t. I can just choose

not to let it happen next time.”

Bad events can happen to any of us. As a trauma and mental illness survivor myself, I

empathise with how difficult it can be to persevere after adversity. We can not find

guarantees in life, but we can seek hope, encouragement, and growth. Our team of

counsellors are steadfast in hearing your story and helping you to find those virtues.

We are here to help.

Five ways to keep calm and stop an argument with your partner

An adage states that all couples argue, but this subtly implies that we have to do so.

We suggest an alternative: all couples disagree. Disagreement is a necessary and

healthy part of being human. It is a learning and bonding opportunity. But nobody

wants to have an argument, because it feels horrible while rarely if ever actually

solving the problem that caused it. Be that as it may, arguing is indeed something

that we inevitably encounter, but thankfully, there are ways to settle the feelings of

anger, frustration, and anxiety before they escalate to a quarrel, so that both of you

can actually ask for what you need from each other. In this article, we shall introduce

five techniques for preventing an argument with your partner.

1. Recognise the signs

When something bothers us, we normally feel a signal. It might be a fleeting thought

such as “this doesn’t seem right”, slight nervousness, or a minor irritation, through to

a “sinking” feeling or a more alarming thought such as “this is the worst day ever”,

through to chest tightness or a rapid breathing or heart rate when something feels

threatening or enraging. When you feel this, your mind is entering “survival mode”:

it has decided that there is a threat somewhere, will be alert, and is ready to interpret

even the smallest disagreement as danger to get you to flee. We sometimes

exaggerate, to state the least!

To take control of this situation, you first need to recognise these signs and what they

mean. When you next encounter a conflict, take notice of what you feel, and be ready

to notice those same feelings when you next encounter one. Once you have

recognised them, you can start to take action.

2. Take time to calm

When it is so preoccupied with protecting you, your mind will have difficulty

interpreting reason. Trying to solve a problem with your partner when you are

agitated is unlikely to work. When the circumstances allow it, the first person to

notice that either they or the other are upset should encourage the both of you to take

time away from each other. The signal can be as simple as: “I can tell we’re both

getting upset. Let’s step away, and we can discuss this when we’re both calmer.”

Reassuring each other that you will both return is imperative, as without that, your

mind will be constantly distracted by the “unfinished business”. The optimal time to

spend away from each other is approximately 20 minutes, as this is often how long it

takes for the brain’s state of upset to subside. In that time, try to focus on an activity

that distracts you from thinking about the disagreement and helps you calm — this

could be a breathing exercise, meditation, jogging, reading, listening to music,

drawing, spending time with the family pet, or otherwise.

3. Discuss feelings and needs

When you and your partner return, resist the temptation to tell them how upset they

made you and how it was all their fault! Regardless of who did or did not cause the

problem, even presenting your grievance as being about the other person will make

them unconsciously feel threatened, which will subsequently affect how they enter

the interaction, how willing they will be to work with you to solve the problem, and

how secure they will feel — and none of this will help.

Instead, each of you take turns expressing how you felt in the conflict and why. Try to

do this without referring to what the other person did, instead emphasising how you

felt and why. Saying “you upset me when you leave the house without telling me

where you’re going” will likely upset your partner, who may have been unaware that

what they were doing would impact you so. They may feel threatened and become

defensive, which will likely have the same effect on you — often without either of you

knowing what is happening until it escalates to an argument. Instead, try a softer

approach: “I feel scared when I don’t know where you are, because I need to know

that you’re safe.”

As each person is expressing themselves, the other responds with empathy, meaning

they demonstrate recognition of how the person is feeling. For example, to the above

concern, the partner may respond: “I can see how frightened it made you when you

weren’t sure where I was.” It is imperative that both partners have the opportunity to

express themselves and show the other empathy when they are communicating.

Doing this actually helps both people to remain calm and think clearly.

4. Discuss a resolution

As simple as it may seem, often we neglect to meet our own and other people’s needs

because it is easy to forget them and can even be difficult to identify them —

especially the abstract ones such as emotional needs. The remedy is to be able to ask

your partner to help you meet them. This works most effectively when it is practical

and specific. For example, it could be as simple as “could you please ensure that you

always tell me where you’re going when you leave the house? I need to know that

you’re safe and will be back soon”. Again, ensure that both partners have the

opportunity to do this.

5. End positively

After you have arrived at a resolution, repair your bond by offering each other loving

gestures. Receiving love from each other reminds each of you that a minor conflict

does not have to mean the end of the relationship — which our brain can easily

believe if we leave the situation having only discussed the negative. It can be a

gesture such as: “I’m glad we solved that. We always work well together to solve our

problems. I love you.”

Sometimes, relationships need some help

What we have introduced today is not esoteric, but it can take some adjustment to

communicate this way if you are not accustomed to it. If conflicts are harming your

relationship, do not be afraid to ask for help. You can learn healthy relational skills,

even later in life, and our team of relationship counsellors teach practical approaches

to managing your relationship concerns.