What makes a healthy relationship?

Does a healthy relationship simply “feel right”? We often take for granted that it

needs certain qualities, until we find ourselves in the midst of a problem and struggle

to identify what exactly we need to solve it. While a good relationship will “feel right”,

it will not be the one that feels “easiest”, because making it healthy requires effort.

But the effort does not have to feel “bad” as such, because the right relationship will

feel worth working for, and moreover, it reveals that making it healthy can be done

with actions that we can each choose. In this article, we will introduce the major

components of healthy relationships.

Commitment

Commitment means being willing to maintain the relationship in the long term,

within its agreed boundaries. It also means persevering to heal it if you encounter a

challenge (unless of course either partner is not safe). A quality relationship is

fulfilling to the extent that the effort needed to commit in difficult times feels

worthwhile given what each of you reap from those efforts. The ways that you enact

the other qualities of a healthy relationship can all demonstrate to your partner that

you are truly committed.

Trust

Trust means having the confidence that your partner will enact what they have

promised and honour your needs and safety. Most of the time, we implicitly know

that we can trust our partners, but a number of circumstances may challenge trust,

and it can be difficult to restore it once broken. One is when our partner breaches our

trust via, for example, infidelity or lying about a major issue, and another is when

either partner may have difficulties trusting the other after being hurt in previous

relationships. In any case, the most effective means of developing or repairing trust is

to demonstrate it in actions. For example, if a relationship has been threatened by

one partner’s gambling, they may demonstrate that they can be trusted not to gamble

by showing their partner the joint bank account statements regularly and reporting

daily on how they are managing.

Safety

Safety means being assured that our partner will not harm us and will help us meet

our basic relational needs. It is not only the absence of abuse. We all have

psychological needs that can be difficult to identify if we have not explored them

previously, but we instinctively feel when they are threatened. Some major facets of

feeling safe are:

• Being accepted for who we are by our partner, rather than them trying to

• make us in to an ideal;

• Knowing that our partner notices us, understands us, tends to our

• preferences, wants us, and shares fondness with us;

• Being able to spend adequate quality time with our partner;

• Being able to communicate in a way that is honest but respectful;

• Respecting boundaries.

Mutual goals, values, and meaning

Partners obviously do not need to be identical in every conceivable respect, but

certain values or goals need to be agreed for the relationship to work. Do you want to

marry traditionally, live together or separately, have children, have specified roles, or

practice traditions such as religions? Do you have specific endeavours that each of

you want to pursue together? Do you have particular romantic or sexual preferences?

The preferences you have and whether you are willing to forego them under any

circumstances are largely your choice. But a great number of dating endeavours and

relationships fail when people do not recognise these factors. Take the time to

consider what your needs and goals are, and be willing to have that conversation with

a prospective partner.

Communication

Communication is at the centre of every relationship of every type. It means more

than being able to understand each other in a literal sense; it means that each person

readily expresses when something concerns them or they need something. Much of

the conflict in relationships happens because people assume they know their

partner’s intentions or are not aware of how their partner is interpreting their

actions, and many would assume that the type of communication necessary to avoid

these misunderstandings is so simple as to be trivial. But the simplest solution is

sometimes the one that works.

Consider this example: you are playing a board game with your partner. When their

turn arrives, they take a piece that you had been hoping to use, and in doing so gains

a great advantage over you. You scoff at them humorously and say: “That was such a

dirty move!” Your partner, however, only took the piece because it would allow them

to prolong the game, which they were enjoying. They try to tell you that this was their

only intention, because they do not want you to feel hurt, but you feel they are

becoming defensive and spiteful. It results in an argument.

This type of situation can be avoided by avoiding assumptions. When your partner

tries to justify themselves, learn to understand the cues. Is it like them to be spiteful

in this situation? Might they be afraid that you are genuinely hurt? If unsure, ask

them! It is not “too obvious”, and by asking questions, arguments may not even have

a chance to happen.

Growth

A person should not rely on their partner to do what they can do for themselves, but

there is much we can not do for ourselves. We have to socialise to grow. In a healthy

relationship, your partner is not simply “nice” to you. They acknowledge your

strengths and admire your virtues, but also sensitively encourage you to work on

your flaws. Their feedback to you reveals insight in to yourself that you could never

gain alone. They want you to be successful both as their partner, and in your

aspirations.

Romance

This is one of the main factors that separates an intimate relationship from a strong

friendship. We are a romantic species; we crave and cherish the joy and warmth that

comes with it. Do you and your partner know each other’s romantic needs and

preferences? Even if you think you do, it never hurts to have a conversation about it

— and moreover, it strengthens your bond by showing each other how much you

care.

Individuation

Individuation means that each partner has a complete sense of their own identity,

beliefs, and needs, rather than being an extension of the other. It may seem

contradictory, but although being coupled literally means foregoing being alone for

being together, trying to be your partner and tend to their every preference will

eventually create overwhelming resentment. We all have an implicit need to have our

own identity, and even if we think we are choosing to stifle that, our mind will know

something is missing and warn us. This is why it is so important to know your needs

and values before entering a relationship — it allows you to decide if a prospective

partner’s needs are in harmony or conflict with your own.

Shared responsibility

Whenever something bad happens, it is easy to blame the other person, because

accepting fault is actually quite uncomfortable. But in reality, it is often all of us

involved in a conflict who contribute in some way, often unintentionally. Sharing

responsibility does not mean having to sacrifice our own needs and just admit that

the other person was “right”. It means being willing to accept that we can all make

mistakes, committing to acting differently next time, and not making a goal of trying

to prove the other person wrong with every argument. The other person may have

initiated the conflict, but “proving” that will not stop it from happening again. Our

brains do not think logically when they are emotional; we need to calm them. When

both people actively contribute and take responsibility, it does not feel “one-sided”; it

is a constant exchange of fondness and care done wilfully.

Sometimes, relationships need some help

Knowing our own needs is not always easy, but we can become well-acquainted with

practice.. If you need help identifying them, do not be afraid to ask for it. You can

learn healthy relational skills, even later in life, and our team of relationship

counsellors teach practical approaches to managing your relationship needs.