Tips To Deal With Divorce - A Guide To Coping

One of the hardest things you can face in life is separation and divorce, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it. Many people go through it each day with the divorce rate in Australia at 1.9 per 1,000 residents. Whether you’ve been married a year or 20 years, divorce is a difficult experience to get through.

Understanding Your Feelings

One of the first things to consider is how you feel during this time. It’s important to understand what you’re going through and help yourself to navigate the plethora of feelings you may be going through. Divorce can put you on an emotional rollercoaster, so it’s best to reflect on these feelings and ensure you can guide yourself through them; either alone or with the support of a therapist.

Losing a relationship can be quite painful. Your feelings and emotions may range from sadness, and grief through to anger or even, elation or relief. To better understand your experience and get through this time in your life, there are a few things you can focus on to help yourself out.

Establish boundaries

Depending on your circumstances, you may need to address some boundaries to protect yourself from more hurt. You may need to limit contact with your ex or limit time together. Or, your boundaries may consist of removing yourself from social media or staying away from certain people. Now is a good time to get an idea of what will help you to get through this divorce and how to establish new boundaries.

Take it easy

One thing that many people do when they go through a divorce or separation is to take a lot of that stress and put it on themselves. Now is not the time to blame yourself for what could have happened. Instead, you need to give yourself the time to deal with this life change and take it easy on yourself.

Expressing a negative emotion or feeling toward yourself at this time isn’t going to help the situation and it certainly isn’t going to help yourself. Right now, you need support and time to heal and the first thing to do is to be kind to yourself.

Give yourself time

There is no right or wrong way to go through a divorce. For many, going through a divorce is a type of grief process. As mentioned previously, the time that you spent with your partner doesn’t make it any less painful of an experience, either.

Give yourself time to get through the divorce. But, it’s important to remember that you don’t want to spend too much time dwelling on the past. Your end goal is to heal and move forward. Bear that in mind while you are recovering and if your actions aren’t working towards that goal, it’s time to re-evaluate and work on improving your situation.

Look after your physical health

It may be tempting to indulge in some unhealthy habits during this time, but keeping up with a routine and healthy habits can give you a sense of normalcy. One way to view it is to consider looking after yourself as if you are getting over an illness or the flu. In that situation you would ensure you had enough fluids, were getting enough rest and eating properly to keep your energy levels up. The same should cross your mind when going through your divorce.

Granted, there may be a night or two where you have a few too many drinks to try and “numb” the pain. But, with your ultimate goal in mind of healing and growth, be sure to look after yourself, instead.

Grow your network and get support

If your social life declined when you were married, now is a good time to catch up with old friends, make new ones or simply get out and enjoy your own company. Friends and work colleagues may be a good support network as you go through the divorce. They can help to improve your social connections, lend you an ear to chat to or simply help you to get out of your head.

For times that you feel like you’re struggling a little too much and need some further support beyond your friendships, seek the advice of a qualified therapist. They’ll be able to help you to navigate through those rough patches and help you from an experienced and knowledgeable background.

If you’d like some free advice from our growing Facebook community and our licenced and experienced therapists, be sure to check out our Facebook group: Real Relationships.

How To Keep The Romance Alive In A Long-Term Relationship

If you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage, chances are you know the feeling of monotony. While there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of boredom in a long-term relationship, it can sometimes put a strain on a marriage/relationship. Many people feel that this “boredom” is the beginning of the end. Newfound relationships have an added burst of new relationship energy (NRE) and so it can feel that the spark isn’t there anymore, especially if you’ve been with your partner for over a decade.

So how can you improve that “spark” between you? How can you talk about something different other than the kids, work or chores?

1. Hold hands When was the last time you held your partner's hand as you went for a walk? According to studies, it is very important to continue to hold hands with your partner. Holding or touching each other can help to synchronise your breathing and heart rate and can even help to sync brainwaves between the two of you. The power of touch has a significant impact on your mind and brain, even if you don’t realise it. Some people have found through anxious times that holding their partners' hands or receiving a hug from them can help to alleviate anxiety and pain symptoms. Whether you’re going for a walk through the shops or sitting on the couch together, reach out and hold their hand.
   

2. Make time for each other and go on dates Think about what you used to do when you first started dating. Did you always go to a new restaurant each week? Did you go on hikes? Whatever it is that you used to do in the early days of your courtship, start to relive them once again. We know it can be hard to find the time to do these sorts of activities, but if you want to help ignite the passion back into your relationship, you need to take the time to spend quality time together. Schedule in time for date night and book a table. Put the phones away and don’t talk about household chores or work. If you want to take it a step further, organise a weekend away to a new place to discover together. Refresh the routine and try some new things together.
   

3. Change your sex patterns Are you always the one to initiate sex? Are you sometimes a little withdrawn from sex depending on your mood or how tired you are? It’s time to break any sex habits you have and start to change things up a little bit. Now is a good time to have a discussion about fantasies, what you like (and don’t like) in the bedroom and what you would like to try out. If you’re normally a little reserved and don’t initiate sex, perhaps it’s a good time to be the one to start things up. If you are normally the person pursuing sex, maybe let your partner take over and try something new. If you want to keep things “vanilla”, that’s ok, too! You can still mix things up a little by having sex in a different location, spending more time on foreplay or even just finding new ways to tell your partner that you think they’re sexy.
   

4. Focus on self-care Even though you’re working on your relationship with another person, it’s still important to separate yourself from your relationship and focus on yourself, too. Self-care can help you to feel better about yourself and to help improve your relationship due to your newfound confidence in yourself. Make the time to treat yourself to a new haircut and a new colour. Get a massage and work out those daily stressful knots. Or, if you want to start getting fit, join a fitness group or gym and make the time each week to focus on yourself and your wellbeing. As you feel more confident, this could help you to feel more empowered as an individual and as a part of a couple.
   

5. Be spontaneous Do you both have a weekend free coming up? No plans on Friday night? Why not book a table or a short mini-holiday for a night or two and surprise your partner? Being spontaneous helps to break up the usual routine that you both go through day in and day out. If you go somewhere completely new, you’ll both be able to enjoy a unique adventure in an exciting new place. Go top a new location and throw in some new adventures like jet-skiing or a new show you’ve both never been to before.
   

6. Don’t stop flirting Remember when you first started dating? Do you remember the types of texts you’d send to each other? Perhaps you sent saucy photos to each other throughout the day? Whatever it is that you used to do to flirt your way into your partner’s heart, start doing it again. Just because you’ve been together for many years and know what each other looks like and is interested in, doesn’t mean you have to stop your flirt game. Even a cute message in your lunch break to say that you’re thinking of them and what you’d like to do that night when you see them could be just that little spark needed to refresh your long-term romance game.

Romance and long-term relationships can work. Some couples stay together for decades and still have the passion and romance that was there when they first started dating; but, it can take some time and work to get there. It may seem like you can just back and the passion will just magically be there, but the truth is, you both need to put in the effort when it comes to the long game of marriage and relationships. With some work and dedication to each other, you’ll both be happier and feel that spark once again.

Don’t forget to join our Facebook group for free advice from our community and licenced therapists. Join us today and let’s talk!

6 Human Needs - What You Need In Your Relationships

Believe it or not, our ability to live a fulfilled life comes down to six basic human needs. Why do we do what we do? How do we feel when certain things happen (or don’t happen) to us in life? Our basic needs are required for you and your partner to get through each day, but you will likely have different priorities for those needs than your partner. Our decisions in life will generally be affected by what basic needs we prioritise.

So what are the six basic human needs?

The six basic human needs are:

• Certainty

• Variety

• Significance

• Connection/Love

• Growth

• Contribution

Love/connection, significance, variety and certainty are all needed for your survival and success in life. The first four also shape your personality. Growth and contribution, however, are needed for a more fulfilled life. These two needs also shape your spiritual needs.

Certainty

If you feel like you need to know what the future has in store for you and you have a need to feel secure, one of your core needs would certainly be “certainty”. One of the downsides to this human need is that you may feel that you need your life to be the same so that there is that level of certainty each day to make you feel safe. But, this is almost impossible as there are often many loopholes to get through each day. From a relationship perspective, you may need a partner who you feel is trustworthy, welcomes your tight-knit scheduling and understands that you may not be open to new experiences and risks.

Variety

Variety can be a fun and adventurous thing. But, some people may take this need to the extreme, especially when it comes to relationships. In life, a person with this core need may change jobs frequently or take risks to get that adrenaline rush they desire. In relationships, you may enjoy meeting new people quite often, but you may also tend to push people away or be unfocused in the relationship. If you’re in a long-term relationship and have a desire for variety, finding a new partner may not be your only solution (especially if you’re in a monogamous relationship). Instead, take the time to go on dates with your partner, go to new locations, travel and try new places to dine out. Or, perhaps an extreme sport you could both enjoy might be a great activity to share.

Significance

Part of your needs for this core need is the feeling of being needed and receiving recognition. You likely have a desire to feel listened to, be heard and to be seen. Recognition within your relationship helps you to feel special and/or needed. Your level of significance can often be due to how unique you are. But receiving praise and attention from your partner is often what you need to feel validated in your relationship.

If you don’t positively receive this recognition, there is a chance you may turn to more negative ways of feeling well such as drinking alcohol, getting into arguments or gambling. Or, you may surround yourself with people who aren’t very successful in life to feel better about your minimal successes. Either way, the outcome of the more negative approach isn’t often good.

Connection

This one is a simple one to understand. If this is your core need, you need a sense of connection and love in your life. You need a fulfilling relationship full of love and to feel like you are a part of a deep and meaningful connection in life. Sharing life with another person is your ultimate goal. It’s important to remember though that if you have love as a core need, you need to remember to give yourself love and attention, too. Generosity and loyalty are probably your top values in life. You give freely to your partner, but you may also struggle to say “no” sometimes.

It is also important that you express your needs and desires in your relationship and don’t forget about what you need from your partner. Don’t just give to them without receiving some love back.

Growth

Growth is important in every life. But if this is one of your core needs, chances are you’re always striving to do better. You may move jobs frequently because you think you’ve reached your potential. In a relationship sense, you may leave your relationship too soon because you aren’t connecting with your partner or you feel bored with the relationship. Make sure you take the time to learn new skills and master them. Emotional and spiritual growth is important to focus on, too. Look at any limiting beliefs you may have, especially those surrounding relationships with others.

Contribution

Contribution is a beautiful human need. Those who focus on contribution feel that the secret to living is giving. Because you need to give back to the community and the wider world around you, you may forget about the important people in your life and forget to give and contribute to those at home. You are likely to be quite compassionate and empathetic to others, but you may also burn out easily and are prone to be taken advantage of.

One of the easiest ways to fulfil this need is to give back. The closer the cause is to your heart, the more fulfilled you will feel each day.

Understanding what your needs are can help you to gain a better understanding of yourself and your relationships. It helps you to understand what you need from your partner and where you may need to im[prove to help your relationship to grow and be a positive aspect of your life.