Does a healthy relationship simply “feel right”? We often take for granted that it
needs certain qualities, until we find ourselves in the midst of a problem and struggle
to identify what exactly we need to solve it. While a good relationship will “feel right”,
it will not be the one that feels “easiest”, because making it healthy requires effort.
But the effort does not have to feel “bad” as such, because the right relationship will
feel worth working for, and moreover, it reveals that making it healthy can be done
with actions that we can each choose. In this article, we will introduce the major
components of healthy relationships.
Commitment
Commitment means being willing to maintain the relationship in the long term,
within its agreed boundaries. It also means persevering to heal it if you encounter a
challenge (unless of course either partner is not safe). A quality relationship is
fulfilling to the extent that the effort needed to commit in difficult times feels
worthwhile given what each of you reap from those efforts. The ways that you enact
the other qualities of a healthy relationship can all demonstrate to your partner that
you are truly committed.
Trust
Trust means having the confidence that your partner will enact what they have
promised and honour your needs and safety. Most of the time, we implicitly know
that we can trust our partners, but a number of circumstances may challenge trust,
and it can be difficult to restore it once broken. One is when our partner breaches our
trust via, for example, infidelity or lying about a major issue, and another is when
either partner may have difficulties trusting the other after being hurt in previous
relationships. In any case, the most effective means of developing or repairing trust is
to demonstrate it in actions. For example, if a relationship has been threatened by
one partner’s gambling, they may demonstrate that they can be trusted not to gamble
by showing their partner the joint bank account statements regularly and reporting
daily on how they are managing.
Safety
Safety means being assured that our partner will not harm us and will help us meet
our basic relational needs. It is not only the absence of abuse. We all have
psychological needs that can be difficult to identify if we have not explored them
previously, but we instinctively feel when they are threatened. Some major facets of
feeling safe are:
Being accepted for who we are by our partner, rather than them trying to
make us in to an ideal;
Knowing that our partner notices us, understands us, tends to our
preferences, wants us, and shares fondness with us;
Being able to spend adequate quality time with our partner;
Being able to communicate in a way that is honest but respectful;
Respecting boundaries.
Mutual goals, values, and meaning
Partners obviously do not need to be identical in every conceivable respect, but
certain values or goals need to be agreed for the relationship to work. Do you want to
marry traditionally, live together or separately, have children, have specified roles, or
practice traditions such as religions? Do you have specific endeavours that each of
you want to pursue together? Do you have particular romantic or sexual preferences?
The preferences you have and whether you are willing to forego them under any
circumstances are largely your choice. But a great number of dating endeavours and
relationships fail when people do not recognise these factors. Take the time to
consider what your needs and goals are, and be willing to have that conversation with
a prospective partner.
Communication
Communication is at the centre of every relationship of every type. It means more
than being able to understand each other in a literal sense; it means that each person
readily expresses when something concerns them or they need something. Much of
the conflict in relationships happens because people assume they know their
partner’s intentions or are not aware of how their partner is interpreting their
actions, and many would assume that the type of communication necessary to avoid
these misunderstandings is so simple as to be trivial. But the simplest solution is
sometimes the one that works.
Consider this example: you are playing a board game with your partner. When their
turn arrives, they take a piece that you had been hoping to use, and in doing so gains
a great advantage over you. You scoff at them humorously and say: “That was such a
dirty move!” Your partner, however, only took the piece because it would allow them
to prolong the game, which they were enjoying. They try to tell you that this was their
only intention, because they do not want you to feel hurt, but you feel they are
becoming defensive and spiteful. It results in an argument.
This type of situation can be avoided by avoiding assumptions. When your partner
tries to justify themselves, learn to understand the cues. Is it like them to be spiteful
in this situation? Might they be afraid that you are genuinely hurt? If unsure, ask
them! It is not “too obvious”, and by asking questions, arguments may not even have
a chance to happen.
Growth
A person should not rely on their partner to do what they can do for themselves, but
there is much we can not do for ourselves. We have to socialise to grow. In a healthy
relationship, your partner is not simply “nice” to you. They acknowledge your
strengths and admire your virtues, but also sensitively encourage you to work on
your flaws. Their feedback to you reveals insight in to yourself that you could never
gain alone. They want you to be successful both as their partner, and in your
aspirations.
Romance
This is one of the main factors that separates an intimate relationship from a strong
friendship. We are a romantic species; we crave and cherish the joy and warmth that
comes with it. Do you and your partner know each other’s romantic needs and
preferences? Even if you think you do, it never hurts to have a conversation about it
— and moreover, it strengthens your bond by showing each other how much you
care.
Individuation
Individuation means that each partner has a complete sense of their own identity,
beliefs, and needs, rather than being an extension of the other. It may seem
contradictory, but although being coupled literally means foregoing being alone for
being together, trying to be your partner and tend to their every preference will
eventually create overwhelming resentment. We all have an implicit need to have our
own identity, and even if we think we are choosing to stifle that, our mind will know
something is missing and warn us. This is why it is so important to know your needs
and values before entering a relationship — it allows you to decide if a prospective
partner’s needs are in harmony or conflict with your own.
Shared responsibility
Whenever something bad happens, it is easy to blame the other person, because
accepting fault is actually quite uncomfortable. But in reality, it is often all of us
involved in a conflict who contribute in some way, often unintentionally. Sharing
responsibility does not mean having to sacrifice our own needs and just admit that
the other person was “right”. It means being willing to accept that we can all make
mistakes, committing to acting differently next time, and not making a goal of trying
to prove the other person wrong with every argument. The other person may have
initiated the conflict, but “proving” that will not stop it from happening again. Our
brains do not think logically when they are emotional; we need to calm them. When
both people actively contribute and take responsibility, it does not feel “one-sided”; it
is a constant exchange of fondness and care done wilfully.
Sometimes, relationships need some help
Knowing our own needs is not always easy, but we can become well-acquainted with
practice.. If you need help identifying them, do not be afraid to ask for it. You can
learn healthy relational skills, even later in life, and our team of relationship
counsellors teach practical approaches to managing your relationship needs.
