Unmasking Sexuality and Breaking Down Cultural Barriers (Part 1)

In this special two-part article, I'm excited to be interviewed by Nadia Hughes, a fellow podcaster and director of Unfair Advantage Accounting, as we explore intriguing topics on sex and relationships.

Sex Therapy and Relationship Dynamics

I'm a relationship specialist, specialising in couples therapy and sex therapy. My expertise extends beyond conventional relationships to the intimate aspects behind closed doors, helping people enhance their private spaces. My 15 and a half years of tertiary education across three countries include a counselling degree and a Master's in Counseling, along with a degree in psychosexual therapy from Sydney University. The term "psychosexual" emphasises that sex is not just about the body; our psychology and thoughts largely shape it. In my practice, I've observed that introducing the word "sex" often swiftly brings both relationship and sexual issues to the forefront of couples' discussions, allowing us to address them openly and effectively.

My Personal Journey in Sex Therapy

I chose the path of sex therapy after initially feeling conservative and uncomfortable discussing sexuality. My journey began when I realised I couldn't effectively help couples without addressing their sexual issues. To bridge this gap, I pursued additional education to understand better and communicate about sexuality, initially as a supplement to couples therapy. Over time, I've seen that sexuality is integral to couples' well-being, often taking precedence once we openly discuss it.

Cultural Perspectives on Sexuality

Cultural perspectives on sexuality vary significantly across different countries and cultures. In some societies, a strong taboo and a sense of shame is associated with discussing sexuality openly. Many people feel uncomfortable and uncertain when addressing this topic, leading to either silence or immature reactions in group settings.

These cultural norms deeply influence how people perceive and interact with sexuality. For example, in Australia, there is a notable conservatism regarding sex, with social gatherings often segregated by gender, which can hinder communication and understanding between men and women. This early separation of genders can create significant challenges in relationships, as it fosters a perception of the opposite sex as fundamentally different and hampers effective communication.

Exploring Modern Sexual Dynamics

Modern sexual dynamics encompass a wide spectrum of experiences, ranging from one-night stands to the intriguing world of swingers. In Australia, a stark contrast exists between conservative pockets and the more adventurous crowd, with some valuing emotional connection before physical intimacy. Emotional safety is paramount in committed relationships, particularly when considering potential consequences, such as pregnancy. However, for some, one-night stands offer an opportunity to explore excitement and thrill, which may be lacking in safer environments like Australia.

The connection between pain and pleasure is a universal aspect of human nature, extending beyond sexuality. Australians' fascination with war and spicy food exemplifies this connection, where a hint of pain intensifies pleasure. This principle even applies in marketing, where a higher price tag can make an item more desirable, demonstrating the enduring relationship between pain and pleasure in various aspects of life.

I hope this first part provides valuable insights into the multifaceted nature of sex therapy and its importance in fostering healthy relationships. Stay tuned for part 2, where we'll delve deeper into these engaging discussions!

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The More You Know! 15 Ways to Support Your Trans Kid

Being a trans/gender diverse kid navigating a cisnormative/binary world can be extremely difficult. Creating a safe space at home, allowing them to freely explore their gender identity, is therefore especially important. In fact, familial support has been shown to contribute to positive mental health outcomes among trans/gender diverse youth.

Here are 15 ways you can support your trans kid:

1. Educate yourself on gender, gender identity, and gender expression.

2. Talk with your child about gender, gender identity and gender expression - give them the language to understand gender outside of the binary and help communicate their concerns/questions if they have any. Read books with them that talk about different gender identities/expression.

3. Listen to your child’s feelings about gender identity and talk to them/ask questions without judgement. Take them seriously and treat them as an individual.

4. Allow your child to express gender in public or at family activities.

5. Give your child access to gender-diverse friends, activities or resources (e.g. connect your child with LGBTIQA+ organisations/events).

6. Be your child’s advocate. Connect with other families who have gender-diverse children - it can help reduce the level of isolation you and your child might be going through. Work with your child’s school and teachers.Reach out within your community: consider supporting or volunteering for gender diversity groups to learn more and help others.

7. Celebrate diversity in all forms.

8. Don’t assume your child’s gender expression is a form of rebellion or defiance.

9. Don’t try to shame or punish your child for their gender expression.

10. Don’t allow others in your family or community to belittle or ridicule your child’s gender expression.

11. Understand that experiencing discrimination isn’t your child’s fault.

12. Speak positively about your child, both to your child and to others, so you can foster a positive sense of self in your child.

13. Try and let go of expectations you might have had about your child’s future - focus on what brings your child joy and security instead.

14. It is normal for children to explore who they are. Their gender identity/expression might even change overtime. They just need to know that you will love and accept them as they figure out their place in the world.

15. You might consider seeking out health care providers, such as a therapist or a specialist, for your child to ensure sufficient support is in place.

Gender Affirming Care Options

Before puberty:

i. For those who have not yet reached puberty, gender affirming care focuses on talking to the child and the family, providing support for home and schooling environments.

1. It is important that families and schools are supported in maintaining a gender-affirming approach.

During/after puberty:

i. Stage 1: puberty blockers are used mostly in early puberty - it is reversible.

ii. Stage 2: gender-affirming hormones (i.e. oestrogen or testosterone) can usually be started around the age of 16, depending on the circumstances.

iii. Stage 3: gender-affirming surgeries are not commonly undertaken before adulthood.

Other than medical and surgical affirmation, social affirmation can also be an important aspect when it comes to gender affirming care - help them express their gender identity by adapting hairstyle, clothing, pronouns, and names etc.

It is important to keep an eye out for other medical and mental health difficulties that may occur during gender affirming treatment(s).

Some parents have a hard time accepting that their child might be trans - if you are having difficulties, please seek additional help through websites, printed resources, support groups or mental health providers.

For further resources please check out our downloadable PDF on LGBTQIA+ and Diversity Further Resources.

Let's Talk About Gender & Gender Development

Language can act as a tool to help us better understand ourselves and the world around us. Here are some terms and definitions that might aid you in the process of discovering who you are or simply supporting a loved one in the community.

Gender vs Sex

At birth, babies are assigned generally as male or female based on their biological characteristics (e.g. reproductive organs and chromosomes). However, people’s genetics and bodies can be much more complex than that of male and female. There are many ways to be intersex. Some intersex people are born with hormonal and chromosomal patterns that don't fit into a male/female sex binary, while others may have the physical characteristics of both sexes. Once a sex is assigned, we presume the child’s gender. Gender is culturally and socially defined. In the binary society, each gender comes with its own set of expectations, like how to behave, dress, feel emotion, and interact with other people.

Gender Identity

Your internal sense of self/gender - a man, a woman, non-binary, gender fluid, etc. One's gender identity can be the same or different from their sex assigned at birth.

Gender Expression

External appearance of one's gender identity, usually expressed through behaviour, clothing, body characteristics or voice. It may or may not conform to socially defined behaviours and characteristics typically associated with being either masculine or feminine.

It is different from gender identity - you cannot assume a child’s gender identity based on their gender expression.

Sexual Orientation

It is a pattern of who we are physically, emotionally and/or romantically attracted to.

An individual’s sexual orientation is independent of their gender identity.

Transgender (or Gender Diverse)

It is an umbrella term for people whose gender identity is different from the sex they were assigned at birth.

Gender Dysphoria

The level of discomfort or distress that can exist when a person’s gender identity differs from their assigned sex at birth. Some trans children experience no distress about their bodies while others may express significant discomfort.

Stages of Gender Development

For parents/carers, it is helpful to understand what gender is/can be (i.e. outside of the binary) in order to provide your kids with the necessary language to explore their identity. It is also helpful to educate yourself on the stages of gender development and how your child’s understanding of gender changes over time. Please note that this is just a general outline. It is completely natural for your child to be moving at a different rate.

● 18-24 months

Before children reach the age of two, they are already starting to understand and define gender. They start noticing patterns and internalise messages from their homes and from their friends/family. They start to learn about expectations associated with gender and gender as a means to group themselves.

● Age 2-3

Between the age of two and three, children start to become conscious of the physical differences between boys and girls. Most children at this stage can easily label themselves as either a boy or a girl.

They start to learn the “gender” of toys, clothing and colours. Informed by the binary construction of gender learned in their families and communities, they also start to place people, animals and things they come into contact with in distinct categories.

They look at same gender models to learn how to behave “accordingly” and may avoid/chastise others who “cross” the gender divide.

At this age, gender diverse identities and/or expressions may be clear.

If your child has been given language to understand gender outside of the binary, they will use that language in developmentally appropriate ways as well.

If your child has not been given the language or if they are not sure if it is safe for them to communicate what they know about their gender, they may keep these thoughts to themselves for some time.

● Age 3-4

Gender identity takes on more meaning at this stage, as children begin to focus on differences beyond the physical.

They learn what it means to be a girl and a boy in terms of gender norms and roles. Stereotypes start to emerge, and gender segregation often begins.

Children who deviate from these gender rules can begin to feel isolated.

● Age 4-6

As children become increasingly aware of gender rules and the pressure to conform, their thinking about gender becomes more rigid.

Developmentally they are unable to think more deeply about the beliefs and values the gender rules are based on.

By age six, most children spend most of their playtime with peers of the same sex.

● Age 6-8

Children begin to gain a sense of gender as something that is consistent but increasingly separate from expression.

They become less attached to rules and may even begin to challenge stereotypes, allowing a broader expression of self (e.g. clothing/hairstyle).

Most children have a stable sense of their gender identity by age four.

Preventing children from exploring their gender identity and expressing themselves in ways that come naturally to them can negatively impact their development and mental health

When children develop an understanding of their gender at a young age, they may not have the language or other tools to express their identity outwardly.

For gender-diverse kids, including transgender and non-binary youth, the gap between when they understand their gender and when they are able to disclose to those around them may last for years. According to Savage & Lagerstrom (2015), the average age of self-realisation for gender-diverse children was 7.9, while the average age when they disclosed was not until age 15.5. Those years in between are marked by fear and shame, making them vulnerable in their isolation.

For further information, please refer to Parents of Gender-Diverse Children (pgdc.org.au)