Navigating Separation: Personal Growth and Positive Outcomes through Mediation

Join me as I interview Bonnie Douglas, a family mediator and separation counsellor from Smoother Separations. Bonnie's passion lies in guiding clients through the overwhelming and stressful separation process, proving that it doesn't have to be a life sentence. Discover in this article the invaluable role of mediators and how they can create a better divorce experience, where the focus is collaboration rather than winning.

Personal Journey and Impact of Mediation

Becoming a mediator brings personal growth and positive outcomes for all. A former counsellor turned mediator, Bonnie initially had doubts but found her talent for helping opposing parties find common ground. Mediation is especially valuable in family disputes, promoting effective co-parenting and a healthier environment for children. Seeking support from divorce-specialised counsellors is crucial for navigating challenges and ensuring a beneficial outcome for all, as actions and attitudes towards the other parent impact the child's well-being and future relationships.

Understanding Mediation and its Benefits

Mediation offers a valuable way to resolve disputes by facilitating discussions between parties. It is most effective when used early on, preventing costly legal battles. In Australia, the Family Law Act mandates attempting mediation before a judge can hear a parenting matter, prioritising children's needs. However, limited information and the misconception that court battles are inevitable often obscure the benefits of mediation. Individuals can access a peaceful and cost-effective path to resolving disputes by raising awareness.

Roles and Differences: Relationship Counselor, Mediator, and Family Lawyer

Relationship counsellors, mediators, and family lawyers play distinct roles in conflict resolution. Counsellors assist couples in enhancing their relationships through effective communication tools and guidance. Mediators, on the other hand, remain impartial facilitators, seeking common ground without personal investment. They prioritise children's best interests and consider their perspectives during discussions. Family lawyers exclusively represent one partner, providing legal advice and ensuring adherence to family law. While mediators and counsellors collaborate with both partners, family lawyers focus solely on their client's needs.

Voice of the Child and Maternal Gatekeeping

It's important to consider the child's perspective on separation and divorce. While lawyers represent one party, counsellors and mediators prioritise the children's well-being. Mediators aim to maintain family relationships, while lawyers may escalate conflicts unintentionally. Seeking legal advice without critical thinking can further divide parents. Skilled lawyers provide options and consequences to promote understanding.

Maternal gatekeeping occurs when women embrace the primary caregiver role due to societal norms and expertise. Challenging this role in shared care arrangements can threaten a mother's identity and power. However, children benefit from strong relationships with both parents, contributing to their well-rounded development.

Challenging Cases and Cost Considerations

Challenging cases in mediation can arise when safety concerns or problematic parents are involved. These cases require careful handling and may require court intervention. Mediation is inappropriate for suspected abuse cases, as the well-being of children and the parties' safety are top priorities. Clients with capacity issues, like alcoholism, may need alternative negotiation methods. Mediation costs vary depending on circumstances and the mediator. Generally, reaching agreements on parenting takes 4-5 hours, with fees under $3,000 per person for parenting and property mediation.

Bonnie's insights highlight the crucial role of mediators in promoting positive outcomes for families. Based on her personal experience, she highlights how mediation fosters effective co-parenting and safeguards the well-being of children during familial conflicts.

By encouraging constructive dialogue, mediation helps parties find common ground, averting costly legal battles. However, there needs to be more awareness about this alternative.

Understanding the distinct roles of relationship counsellors, mediators, and family lawyers when seeking support is vital. Mediation offers a collaborative and child-centred approach to divorce, aiming to create a more positive experience for everyone involved.

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Is your partner abusive? Signs you may be in an abusive relationship.

Are you in an abusive relationship? Are you unsure if your partner's behaviour is abusive? You're not alone. Many people are surprised when they realise that what they are experiencing is abuse and not just a "rough patch."

The first step to getting help is being able to identify the issues, so this list will help with that. This list does not cover every possible scenario of abuse; it's meant to give you some basic information about common signs. If any of these apply to you, it doesn't mean that your situation is hopeless or even necessarily bad — only that there might be issues worth exploring further. It's always best to talk things over with someone who cares about both parties' well-being before making any big decisions like moving out or calling the police.

Your partner's anger is frightening.

Of course, it's important to note that anger is a normal emotion. It can be a good thing when expressed healthily. However, if you're afraid of your partner's anger or afraid to say no to him or her because of how he or she reacts when angry, this can be a sign that you're involved in an abusive relationship.

You feel like you always have to walk on eggshells in your relationship.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, you may feel like you always have to walk on eggshells. You may be afraid to say or do the wrong thing, so you constantly try to avoid conflict by changing your behaviour and words around your partner. The problem with this is that it makes it hard for your partner to trust you; if they can’t count on you being consistent, they won’t be able to rely on anything else either.

It's important to remember that no one has the right to tell anyone else who they can or cannot be friends with (and likewise no one should ever feel pressured into leaving friendships). If your partner tries to control how much time or money is spent on activities outside of the home—or even worse threatens violence against those who might interfere with these demands—then this may indicate an abusive dynamic.

You feel afraid to say no.

This is one of the most important signs of an abusive relationship, and if you find yourself feeling this way a lot, it's time to think about getting out. If your partner tends to do things that you don't want them to do or don't like, but you don't speak up about it because of fear, then that's a sign that they're being abusive toward you. Saying "no" is a crucial part of any healthy relationship—it allows both partners in the relationship to have their autonomy and self-determination as individuals.

It's also okay for one person in the relationship (that would be YOU) to ask for some space or time alone once in a while; this doesn't mean that they don't love their partner anymore. It just means they need some space now and again so they can recharge themselves mentally before coming back together with their significant other at home later

The violence seems to come out of nowhere.

If your partner's violence is not predictable, it means that you never know when a situation might turn violent. You can't always gauge their moods or how they'll respond to things. The violence may also be triggered by seemingly small things like an insult or a minor disagreement. The smallest incident could set off the sudden rage that leads to physical abuse.

If the abuse happens after some type of provocation—even something as trivial as looking at them funny—it indicates that they are quick to anger and cannot control themselves in certain situations, which is another sign of abusive behaviour.

Your partner blames you or others for their problems or mistakes.

If a partner blames you or others for their problems or mistakes, they're likely trying to avoid taking responsibility. By blaming someone else, they're effectively saying that it's not their fault and thus shifting the blame onto someone else. This is a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem: if your partner can't take responsibility for themselves, they may try to control other people to feel better about themselves.

Another reason why your partner might constantly blame others is that they want power over you—and one way of gaining power over someone is by manipulating them into feeling like there's something wrong with them or that they're not good enough.

Your partner threatens to hurt you or someone you love.

One of the most important signs that your partner is abusive is if they threaten to hurt you or someone else. They may threaten to kill themselves, which can be an extreme form of psychological abuse. Their behaviour could also include threats to hurt others and make credible plans for doing so. If your partner has ever threatened to hurt or kill you or somebody else, this could be a sign that they are abusive—even if they didn't follow through on the threat.

Your partner doesn't want you to work or, if you do, doesn't want you to make more than they do.

If your partner doesn't want you to work or, if you do, doesn't want you to make more than they do, this is a huge red flag. Many abusers will forbid their partners from working to maintain complete control over them. This can be particularly harmful if the victim was planning on working outside the home as a way of gaining independence and self-confidence. After all, it's hard to feel confident when someone is telling you that what is best for their relationship isn't what is best for yours!

They try to control how you spend money or what kinds of clothes you wear.

No matter how much money you have, if your partner is controlling how you spend it or what kinds of clothes you wear, that's a sign of abuse. This can happen in small ways like taking control over who pays for lunch on the weekends and big ways like keeping track of your bank account online without telling you.

Seek help from a safe place such as a supportive friend or relative, a counsellor or a therapist.

If you are experiencing the signs of an abusive relationship, it is important to seek help from a safe place. This could be any number of people: a supportive friend or relative, a counsellor or therapist who can provide support.

It may seem scary but seeking assistance from an objective third party will help you to determine whether or not the relationship is worth saving and how best to go about doing so. From there, you can decide what you need to do for yourself and your well-being and what steps you need to take to get out of the relationship if that is what is best for you.

If you're not sure, talk to someone you trust who can listen without judgment and help guide you toward a safe place. Remember, the sooner you get out of an abusive relationship the better!

How to deal with jealousy in your relationship

If you've ever been in a relationship, you've probably experienced jealousy at some point. Jealousy is natural, but when it's taken too far it can result in distrust, insecurity, and even the end of a relationship. So what can you do? We're going to show you how to deal with jealousy in your relationship by looking at situations where your partner might be acting strangely.

Is your partner flirting?

Are your partner’s actions innocent, or are they flirting?

If you suspect that your partner is being unfaithful, there are certain signs to look out for. Try to pay attention to their body language and what they say to determine if they are being flirtatious with someone else. Remember that flirting usually involves communicating through non-verbal cues like eye contact and body language, so keep this in mind as you try to determine if your partner is cheating on you. If they are displaying any of the following, perhaps it is a good opportunity to address the situation with your partner:

• They seem distracted during conversations with you

• They spend more time than usual on their phone or computer

• Their moods fluctuate frequently (e.g., from happy one minute to angry/sad moments later)

Spot the lie

It's important to spot the lie. In this case, you don't have to worry about your partner lying. It might be that you're just not ready for them to spend time with another person. If there is more than one person involved in a relationship that you're jealous of, it could stem from something deeper than jealousy—such as trust issues or inadequacy issues—and this should be addressed before trying any other form of communication.

If there's no evidence of lying at all, make sure not to accuse them without proof. It could cause harm if they feel like everything they say and do is under scrutiny by their partner (or vice versa). If there is some kind of proof that would back up your claim about their dishonesty (such as text messages) then share those with them so they know you aren't just making things up.

Do you trust your partner?

Trust is a two-way street: you want to trust your partner, but they also have to earn it by showing that they can be trusted. Trust takes time and effort to build—in fact, some people never fully regain trust in their partner after a betrayal.

As you build trust with each other, it will become easier for both of you to open up about what's going on in your lives. This includes sharing things that might be embarrassing or uncomfortable for either of you (like when one of you has been offered a job out of town), or just sharing positive things about yourselves (like telling each other how much fun it was watching last night’s TV show together).

When there's no trust between partners who haven't been completely honest with each other, then there won't be any way for these two people who love each other deeply to move past this hurtful experience together.

Are you jealous of everything?

A lot of people are jealous of pretty much everything. They’re jealous of the amount of time their partner spends with family and friends, or how many hours they spend talking to someone else on social media.

But there’s a difference between being upset about something and being jealous. Jealousy is more than just being upset about something; it can have a very negative impact on your relationship if you let it get out of control. It can also cause problems in other areas of your life too: feeling jealous may lead you to break your trust in your partner, which might make them feel unsafe around you.

Your jealousy will pass if you learn how to manage it instead of letting it control what happens in your relationship.

Stop comparing yourself to others.

When you compare yourself to other people, it’s easy to feel like you fall short. You might look at a friend and think, “I wish I could be as successful as they are,” or notice that your partner is more attractive than you are. But don't get caught up comparing yourself to others and losing sight of who you are!

You have different skills, experiences and ambitions than the people around you—and that's okay! You may not be able to do everything someone else can in a certain area of life (or any area at all), but that doesn’t mean there isn't an important role for you in those areas.

When we become jealous of others' strengths, weaknesses or accomplishments—or when we feel inferior about ourselves because we don't measure up—we can take steps toward overcoming jealousy by focusing on our strengths instead of what others seem to have over us.

Take a step back before accusing your partner of something they haven't done

Are you feeling jealous about your partner’s relationship with someone else, or maybe even just the idea of someone else? Take a step back before accusing them of something they haven’t done. It is important to keep in mind that they may be keeping secrets out of guilt, and if you overreact or accuse them of things they haven't done, it could make things worse. It's better to think through what you're feeling and figure out how best to handle it without causing harm or starting an argument.

If you find yourself feeling jealous, it’s important to take a step back and examine the situation. You don't want to accuse your partner of something they haven't done, or worse—make them feel like they have to prove their innocence. If you find that you're always feeling jealous and have trouble healthily dealing with your feelings, it might be time to seek professional help.